So Hard
by Michelle JAMES
Summary: Re-post. Sam comes back to the VCTF but things have changed. R&R Please.
1. Default Chapter

**So Hard**  
by Michelle JAMES © Copyright 2000 

  


Disclaimers : The characters from Profiler doesn't belong to me ... hell, if that was the case, you would know !!!! They belong to ... Well, who do they belong to ?? NBC ??  
Let's cheer a minute for Court TV ...  


Rating : Someone will have to explain to me the different ratings ... ;o) SJR.   


Notes :That story, I began to wrote it for Heidi's contest (??). But as I never can do WHAT I want WHEN I want, I couldn't finish it in time.It is about Sam's coming back to Atlanta. Things have changed.  


Thanks to Raquel for beta reading it. She is too nice on me ... ;o) 

* * *

_Listen as the wind blows  
from across the great divide,  
Voices trapped in yearning,  
memories trapped in time,  
The night is my companion  
and solitude my guide,  
Would I spend forever here  
and not be satisfied._  


_**Sarah McLachlan**, "Possession", Fumbling towards ecstasy_  


***  


It is still dark outside, the shadow of a man passes in front of the window. Switching on the lights appears John's silhouette . He sits down at the table in the kitchen and drinks his mug of coffee. Fully dressed, he is about to go to work. Stopping by the window on his way out, he stares unconsciously at the halos of light around the streetlamps. The constant Atlanta smog. He smiles ironically.  
Turning his head, his eyes settle involuntarily on the calendar hanging on the wall. Today it has been exactly two years that Sam has gone. After all the things that happened, he never realized it was already two whole years. Slightly shocked, he looks down and watch sadly the pictures of his mother and Kate. Clutching his jaw, he grabs his jacket and leaves flying through the door, mumbling :  


"Face it man, better being alone ..."  


***  


In two years, things have changed a lot within the VCTF.   
Rachel hasn't stayed after her misadventures. Grace is now divorced and raising little Georgie alone. The big George is now back, healthy but his humor has become even more sarcastic, faint traces of what he has gone through. And Bailey, well, he is still the same, living for working, maybe more now to keep the section alive.  


When Sam decided to come back to Atlanta, to the VCTF, she sure thought things would be hard and different. She was coming back to where she had lived a nightmare, but also where she had found the best people she ever met. The best friends she left though. She knew it would be disorienting and somewhat frightening. But she has not been prepared to face that, to face something so much different.  


Indeed, when she enters the Command Center, everyone stop talking, typing, to look at her, confusion on their faces, as a murmur starts to spread across the whole room. She hesitates, slightly embarrassed when suddenly come cheers from behind her. She has just the time to turn around that she is engulfed in one of bailey's tight hugs. After being released, she distributes handshakes and hugs before engulfing Grace and George in her arms. As Bailey begins to talk to her she seems to be looking around for someone. When turning around another time, she sees John approaching. Stepping into the Command Center, he looks up from his notes and stops dead in his tracks. He is stunned, he cannot believe she is here, today, after all this time. The shock is obvious in his eyes. Sam notices it, she is also struck by the sadness and the hardness they express.  


Finally, she makes the first move and gives him a big hug. She closes her eyes at the feeling of his body against hers, at his scent she did not know she missed so much. Quite awkwardly, John wraps his arms around her. It seems like he is numb. He cannot process what is happening. They let go of each other, he flashes her a smile as if nothing happened but Sam can say something is missing inside him, she felt it and, unnoticed, something too breaks inside her.

  


"What do you think about dinner at my place with the whole gang ? " Bailey is wearing a smile no one has seen on his face in ages.  


John is the first to answer.  


"I'm sorry guys, I can't stay. I got serious leads on the Buffalo case I want to check out before it's too late. I just came back here to give you the information you may need." He gives Bailey some papers then turns to Sam and whispered hoarsely : 

  


"Welcome back". Then vanishes trough the glass door.  


She watches after him, perplexed. Turning her head, her gaze meets Grace's and they smile. Although Sam's smile is full of joy to see her again, Grace's is more compassionate toward her friend considering John's behavior.  


"So guys, what about dinner ?" Bailey remembers them.  


"Honestly Bailey, tonight is difficult for me." She lays her hand on Sam's arm. "Don't take it wrong honey, I am very happy you're here but little Georgie is expecting me tonight."  


Unconsciously, Sam turns toward George with a frown. "Not me, Little George is Grace's new baby."  


Sam smiles broadly to Grace and hugs her again. "Congratulations." Then turns to Bailey. "You know what, it is a little fast maybe for a big get together. It's taking you off kilter. Why don't we do it a little later with everyone ?"  


Bailey thinks about it some. "Fine with me. Friday is okay ?" At Grace's and Gorge's nods, he clasps his hands together. "Perfect." Then it offers Sam his arm. "So, tonight, it is just you and me, just like old times."   


Smiling to George and Grace, she takes his arm and they disappear in the elevator, leaving George and Grace behind, looking at each other. If they are wearing a smile to see two of their best friends happy, they cannot help but thinking about John and his earlier reaction. This is going to be tough.

  


***  


Bailey wanted her to stay at his house until she could find a suitable place but she insisted on going back to her hotel room. She needed some time alone to think about all that happened during that one day.  


Sitting in front of the window, she thinks about what Bailey told her. She asked about everyone, she wanted to know all that happened. And now she feels guilty. Guilty for abandoning her friends in a selfish move when they needed support. They all were there when she was at a loss, no one had given up. George, Grace ... John. She sighs heavily. John. She has called Chloe to let her know she was fine and to talk with her daughter a while. Chloe was going to stay with her grandparents until the beginning of the next school year when she would join her mother down there. She was not absolutely happy with the idea of moving again but had understood why her mother had to go back to Atlanta. And she somewhat needs to go back there too. Just like Sam.  


She understands now what was missing earlier. She could have guessed, she could have - she SHOULD have recognized the signs. It cuts close to her heart and she has to fight against the tears at the raising memories. She knew she would have to cope with pain by coming back there. However now, the hurt is twice as strong as she has to deal with John's.  
Putting her arms around her legs, she rests her chin upon her knees, still watching the dark night.  


  


On the other side of the city, a dark tall man leaning against the window frame, is staring at the same clouds. Slowly he sips his coffee and closes his eyes. Her body against his has felt so good. And so odd. He is overwhelmed, his heart and his brain are like overloaded by his feelings. It seems he has no longer control upon them. Happiness, pain, hope and sadness are melting together deep inside of him.  


He feels tired. He puts down his mug and applies his forehead on the glass of the window in a foolish attempt to feel better. He is tired and lost. His heartbeat has not slowed down since he has seen her today. He tried to forget her. He tried so hard, and yet nothing has changed. She still has the same effect on him and it only raises higher his anger. Towards her, but mainly towards himself.  


Sure he had been happy with Kate. After Sam was gone, he had nothing more to lose : he had already lost Sam. Except he lost Kate too. And he cannot help but feel responsible for it. Because of his job, and because he was still thinking about Sam then. As if it was some kind of punishment God would have given him : to never find love and peace.   
He clenches his fists and his jaw in pain and anger. Sam left, he hurt so much but Kate helped him some. She left too. He was still in pain, for so many reasons. But now ? Sam is back. His heart is reacting wildly and he does not know what to do.  


"Damn her" he mumbles. "After all this time, after all that happened, she still can turn my world upside down in one second." He sighs and sips the remaining of coffee in his mug. He puts it in the sink and heads towards his bedroom. "I can't let it happen again. I can't". Then he flicks off the lights.  


***  


_It was only one hour ago  
It was all so different then  
Nothing yet has really sunk in  
Looks like it always did  
This flesh and bone  
Is just the way that we had tied it  
But there's no one home_  


_**Peter Gabriel,** "I grieve", O.S. 'City of Angels'_  


***  


Soon the team has found again its rhythm with Sam. Hell, it is as if all the wackos had been waiting for Sam. The caseload is quite heavy, they even have to postpone the big get together to celebrate Sam's coming back. It just seems like the good old days of the VCTF. Well, almost.  


To everyone close to these people, it is obvious something is wrong. With John. George, Grace and Bailey are not oblivious to his behavior. Spending everyday out in the field, he barely attends the meetings. When he is in the Command Center, they only hear his voice to relay his information, not a joke, no sarcasm. Something is definitely wrong. Come to think about it, it is since Sam's return. That would explain his discomfort while being around her : the quick glances thrown towards her, his seat on the opposite side on the table instead of beside her, the way he escapes at the end of the meeting making a beeline to the elevator.  


If Bailey, George and Grace feel a little sad for John, knowing - without being proven, the reasons of his acting like this, Sam is upset. She does not understand, cannot find any edible explanation. Of course now she knows what happened to him and can understand it affects his work and his behavior but ... she feels excluded, rejected and it hurts.  


One morning, after another John's sudden departure, she decides to ask George and Grace :  


"Ok, what's wrong with him ?" she goes directly to the point.  


George looks up from his computer : "Who ?" He follows the direction indicated by her pen. "Ah, John."  


Grace takes a seat beside her. "You know what he's been through, right ?" Sam nods and she carries on. "He has changed a lot since, you know. All he has is his work."  


There is a pause. Sam asks again : "He doesn't confide in anyone, does he ?"  


George and Grace chuckle. "Sam, you know John. The man's too proud", comes the reply from George.  


"Yeah ... I just don't get it."  


She is still staring at the double glass doors through which he has left and does not see her friends rolling their eyes.  


She suddenly comes down to the earth. "See you later" and leaves heading towards Bailey's office.  


Once alone, George cannot help but asking : "How come she does not see what is so obvious to anyone else ?"   


Grace, lost in her own thoughts about Sam and John, only shrugs.  


***  


Knocking softly on his door, she slips inside, closing the door behind her. Bailey's head shoots up.  


"What's wrong ?"  


She raises her eyebrows in surprise. "I didn't say anything was wrong."  


Bailey leans deeper in his chair and stares intently at her. She gives up and takes the other chair in front of his desk with a sigh.  


"It's John. He's as bad and hard to handle as during the first days we worked together. And I don't understand why."  


He shifts his position to lean on his elbows on his desk, closer to her.  


"What do you hate ? John's behavior of the fact you don't understand it ?"  


She smiles ironically. "Both."  


"Don't be too hard onto yourself. You know a lot happened while you were gone. You two need time to readjust. That's all."  


"You're probably right." She pauses. "I just want to help him, Bailey. But he doesn't let me. I can't even approach him. Every time he has the opportunity, he avoids me, he goes out or anywhere else he can. Except 'Good morning' and 'Good night', he doesn't even talk to me."  


She sounds angry. Bailey frowns.  


"I don't know Sam, did you try to hold him back and talk to him ? Did you ask him why he was acting like this ?" She shakes her head no. "Well, that's the simplest way to go."  


She stares off in the distance. _'Thanks, between him and Grace, I am not getting much help here' _she thinks. But she somewhat considers a minute his idea. _'What the hell'_, she sighs. Then stands up and leaves the office.  


"See you later Bailey."  


He waves her out and leans back in his chair, puffing on his cigar. Of course he has a pretty good idea about what is the source of John's behavior but he is not the one to tell her. He does not want to intervene further than giving advice.  


_'I don't understand how she can read the twisted mind of a serial killer and not be able to see the obvious signs of John's feelings for her coming back to the surface' _he thinks.  
Puffing another time, the answer seems to pop up in his mind naturally. _'Because her own feelings stand in the way and she does not acknowledge them, deal with them.'_  


His thoughts are abruptly disturbed by the ringing of his phone. Grabbing the receiver, his grumpy voice greets his interlocutor. "Malone."  


***  


_I grieve for you  
And you leave me  
So hard to move on  
Still loving what's gone  
Say life carries on  
Carries on and on and on and on ..._  


_**Peter Gabriel**, "I grieve", O.S. 'City of Angels'_  


***  


The same day, it is near 11:00 pm, Sam is in front of John's apartment door. She stays put some time, wondering if she is right doing this. _'Good thing we're Friday, at least I will have the whole week end to pretend nothing happened ...'_ She knocks on his door. A few seconds later, he opens it, shock obvious in his eyes.  


"Sam ?!"  


"Good night John." They stare at each other awkwardly then John steps out of his stupor.  


"Come in." He watches her stepping in. "Do you want a cup of coffee or something ?"  


She turns her head toward him to answer. "Coffee is good. Thank you."  


"I'll be back in a minute, make yourself at home." Better being friendly and polite before being sorry.  


Sam settles down on the couch and tries to gather her thoughts. In the kitchen, waiting for the coffee to be ready, John is leaning against the sink.  


"It hurts so much just to see her. Some things never change. Damn it, it's gonna be like this every damn day of my sorry life" he mumbles. His grip tightens until his knuckles turn white.  


He shakes his head sadly then straightens up before joining her in the living room with the coffee. He hands Sam a mug then chooses a chair beside the couch, not willing to sit beside her.  


They both stay silent, sipping quietly their coffee. Sam cannot stand it any longer.  


"John, I think we need to talk."  


John smiles inwardly _'Some things indeed never change'_. He puts his mug on the coffee table and looks at her as much as he can. "About what ?"  


She too puts her mug on the table however with a little too much force than necessary.  


"Come on, John. Don't make it more difficult than it already is. You know damn well what I want to talk about ! "  


Her sudden burst of anger surprise them both. John's look hardens.  


" Personally, Sam, there are a billion questions I want to ask you. A million of topics to talk about with you. But you want to talk about my being distant with you, right ? Because that's what is bothering _*you*_." He pauses. Standing up, he goes to the window. Sam remains silent. His cold voice has slapped her.  


  


"Come to think about it, both are related." Staring at his back, she frowns. "I'm gonna tell you one thing. Two years ago, you left. Without more explanation that the letter you took the time to write to each of us. How nice." The irony is so obvious in his words it almost scratches her ears. "Those two years, I spent everyday wondering if you were alright, or if you were dead. Hoping you had found what you were looking for, hoping you had started a new life." He sighs. "And now you're here, you're back, god knows why, and you want things to be the same. They're not Sam."  


His voice was calm, the coldness forgotten, tinted of sadness and pain. Sam suppresses a chill. 'You left', his words are turning inside her head. 'I left'.   


Staring at the carpet, she tried to express her understanding. "I know things have changed, John. I know a lot happened." She pauses, unsure of her next words. "I know about Kate."  


She looks up when John turns around and their eyes lock. The pain and the coldness they reflect are unbearable.  


"That's not the matter" he replies hoarsely.  


"Yes it is. If someone here knows how much the loss of a loved one can affect your entire life, that's me."  


John closes his eyes. "Please Sam, tell me you didn't come to tell me your crap about death and guilt and how you cope with Jack and Tom." Silence falls between them. Heavy and thick. She has hurt him, now here is his reply. "This is different. You know it."   


He turns again to face the window and the dark sky. Sam is still silent, on the couch. She stares off in the distance, shocked by his words. Tears are burning the back of her eyes, her pain melting with his.  


"I just want to help you." Her voice his so small, he needs to turn around to hear what she says. He sits on the window frame, legs crossed.  


"I don't need your help Sam. I managed to survive without you the last two years and I intend to carry on that way."  


"I also need to understand." Her gaze is so intense, like a plea. As bright as an innocent child's one.  


"You really don't get it, do you ?" He asks with a sigh.  


Seeing confusion spreading all over her features, his heartbeat increases in anticipation.  


"You don't get it why it is so different this time ?" He breathes deeply. "I know you're bright, Sam. The fact is, I've never met anyone like you : that intelligent, that strong, that beautiful." He lowers his eyes. "I guess you discovered long ago my feelings for you. You believed they were true or not, I don't know. I now can tell you they were. They still are. From the first day to now on I've never stopped thinking about you, never stopped loving you. Even when I knew Kate." He swallows hard. "I've never felt that way for a woman. It's been so hard to move on after you left. I thought I was getting back a life when everything shattered, and then you reappeared. And once again you turn my life upside down." Staring into her eyes, he resumes speaking : " You ask me to be the same as I was before, the friend, the one who is here to support you. Honestly Sam, I wish I could still be that man, I wish I could answer all your questions, your doubts and lighten your life, as your friend. But I'm not sure I can." His voice has almost fallen to a whisper.  


A single tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. She cannot believe what she has just heard. Of all the explanations she had thought about, sure she had consider he might have some feelings about her. But being in love with her, since the beginning, never crossed her mind. She would like to say something but she chokes on her tears.  


Watching her closer, John sees the one tear and his heart tightens. Expecting a word from her, whatever that word is, he only hears a gasp and his heart falls.   


"I am sorry" is all he can manage, looking down at the carpet.  


This shakes Sam enough to manage some words beyond her tears. "Don't be." She sniffs silently. "I wanted answers but I wasn't prepared to this. I am the one who should be sorry."  


"Sam", he calls softly, "of all the things I'd like to ask you, there is one I want to ask now."  


At her nod, he goes on : "Why did you come back ?"  


Sam's head jerks slightly. Looking into each other's eyes, the same confusion mirrors itself in their blue eyes. She is taken aback. She realizes she does not even know the answer. And the tears she managed to hold back now threatens to flow unabated.  


Shaking her head sadly in a move that matches his earlier, she answers : " I wish I knew, John." She then stands up, grabs her purse and head to the door. "I wish I knew."  


** End of part one **

  



	2. Realizations

**Part two**  


  
***  


_And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.  
I won't fear love  
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.  
I won't fear love._  


_**Sarah McLachlan**, "Fumbling towards ecstasy", Fumbling towards ecstasy_

***  


Both of them indeed seize the opportunity of the week end to try to understand why they reacted so strongly. For wanting answers, all they got was a killing headache and more questions.  


Sam has so far spent the week end fidgeting in her hotel room, never finding peace. She finally decides to take a walk in the spring mild weather of Atlanta. It seems her thoughts are easier to organize while walking when it comes to personal matters.  


She stops and sits in a bench in a park. She watches the people passing by for some time. This is the Atlanta she knew : quiet, peaceful, pleasant to live in. That was before Jack. That was what she was looking for. She had left in a foolish attempt to find a place that fitted her needs of comfort and rest with her daughter. She just did not know she had left this place, with all its memories with Tom, with the VCTF, with her friends.   


It has taken her two years to realize it but she now is sure that she belongs to this city. Beyond the nightmare Jack had made her live, beyond her work which has been very tough at times, beyond all the bad memories there are here in Atlanta, she feels deep inside she is in the right place. And this is why she came back.  


_'How come I couldn't explain this simply to John then ?' _she wonders. The look in his eyes lost her, as if they were pleading. She felt she had not the power to ease the pain they were showing. It scared her and she left without answering him. She frowns. Why did he want to know ? He has just told her his feelings and the moments after, he wanted to know this. Thinking about it, she started it. She came to talk to him and instead yelled at him. Then he yelled at her. No, he did not yell, he hurt her. Then he told her his love. And she left. Her frown deepens. All this does not make sense.  


She stands up and wanders in the park. _'Why did I react like this ? Why was I so much angry with him ? Because John is my friend'_, it is not more complicated. She cares for him and wants to help him. He is so alone now she would like him to open up to her. She cares for him, that is it, as she cares for Bailey, George and Grace. Except that he confessed her love. And it changes the settings. She swallows hard and again her eyes become watery. She jerks her head and forces her tears back inside. Why ? Why does it make her want to cry ? Suddenly, it strikes her : he must have been waiting an answer and instead, she struggled against her cries and he apologized.  


"Oh God ..." she whispers. She feels bad. And the tears threaten now to spill over her cheeks. One of the most caring and generous persons she knows loves her. She knows he is in pain but never self-centered, and that he loves her, and she feels touched, honored. She regrets she did not say anything to him then. It must have been so much painful and embarrassing for him to lay his feelings in front of her and not getting anything in response. Of course she loves him. John is her friend. Maybe it is not the kind of love he has for her but it is love. "At least, I have to tell him so."  


Turning on her heals, she begins to retreat back to her hotel room. She stops. Closing her eyes, she inhales deeply the scent of the flowers, of the humidity, of the town ... of Atlanta. Opening her eyes, she smiles. Yes, she is where she belongs.  


  


John has been up at his cabin. He has thought the silence of the woods and the mountains would help him finding an explanation. An explanation to his revealing his feelings to Sam, bluntly, just after she yelled at him. And an explanation to his love life being so disastrous and painful for him.  


Sitting on a trunk, the wind mildly blowing in his hair, it seems that the explanation is quite simple. He could not hold it back inside his chest any longer. Seeing her again after two years, after Kate's death, has been too strong, he could not fight it. He did not want to fight it, looking for the release that might ease his pain.  


However, what is really disturbing him is the reason of her coming back. She could not answer him that night. After two years of absence, she comes back to a place where she experienced the strongest pain of her life ... without knowing why. It is strange and does not fit Sam's profile. He smiles. Since when did he profile people, even more Sam ? He stands up and heads to the lake.  


Stopping at the bank, he looks ahead, at the riddles of the water. "I'm meant to be alone, that's all." He whispered to the wind. Time has showed him he cannot be with a woman. His mother died by his fault. During the years he worked with Sam, she never looked upon him the way he wanted her to, the way he did. Sam left, he knew Kate and she died ,by his fault another time. Now Sam is back. What is there to expect ? More pain.   


Shaking sadly his head, he slowly goes back to the cabin as the sky begins to darken. If she decided to come back to haunt him, she was succeeding pretty well. What if he was given a second chance ? He stops in his tracks. Sam does not know why she came back, so maybe it was not a punishment. He smirks. _'I don't believe in fate, that's stupid' _he thinks. Better to push that possibility away, after all he has been through, believing in fate now would be pure fantasy and painful hope. He does not believe it is the answer. But in the depths of his heart, beyond the pain he knows is coming, the words engraved. He wants to believe.  


Stepping inside the dark cabin, he closes the door and leans against it. His eyes closed, he gives a quiet prayer to anyone who might hear it.  


"I was wrong. I need your help, Sam. I need to know."  


***  


After an impromptu end to the Buffalo case, thanks to John's information and taste for risk : the man went inside a bikers pub to fish out the killer - one of the bikers, alone without waiting for backup, the VCTF is now running slow. And it gives everyone some time to reorganize their life. Some people more than others. The ever growing distance between John and Sam is not going unnoticed, mainly to Bailey.  


Bailey silently slips in Sam's office and sits in the chair in front of her desk. Without looking up, she greats him.  


"Hi Bai', what's up ?"  


Raising his eyebrows, he asks : "How did you know that was me ?"  


Still not looking up, a tap on the tip of her nose is her only response. Puffing on his cigar, he smiles.  


"How're you doing Sam ?" Swallowed in her work or fainted to be, she answers quickly : "Fine."  


Bailey frowns. Sam never say that, just a 'I'm fine'.   


"Sam" he calls. As she does not move, he repeats : "Sam. Look at me."  


Finally she gives up and puts down her pen with a sigh, leaning in the back of her chair.  


"How are you doing Sam ? And I want the truth."  


"Honestly I'm fine Bailey. I just needed some time to ... warm up. Now I'm more efficient and ..."  


He does not let her finish. "I'm not talking about work and you know it. You just avoid the subject."  


As he watches her closely, he can easily read her discomfort and distress. She grabs again her pain and nervously taps it down onto her desk. After a brief pause, she replies.  


"Unluckily it's not that bright on that side."   


"Did you try to talk with him ?" She nods. "I guess it didn't go well, did it ?" _'No kidding !'_  


"That's putting it mild. It was the greatest fiasco I've ever had."  


They both stay silent a while. Bailey resumes his questioning.  


"Well, what did you say ?"  


She looks into his deep eyes, finding there the support she needs.  


"I told him I wanted to understand why he was acting like a brat with me."  


Bailey nods in acknowledgement then asks : "And what did John tell you ?"  


She hesitates briefly. Does she feel like she has to tell Bailey the whole truth or skip through the 'John's-feelings-for-her' part?   


"He said he wanted to know why I decided to come back."  


Bailey is pretty surprised by her words - John's words. His furrow creases on his forehead. He has not imagined John asking this to Sam.  


"And ?" Bailey inquires. "Did you give him a reason ?"  


She shakes her head. "I would have needed to know the answer myself to do that." She pauses, her eyes falling to the papers shuffled on her desk. "I just left the apartment saying I didn't know."  


Bailey frowns deeply. That is very unlike Sam. "Why ?"  


She let out a little ironic laugh. "Because I didn't know the answer and I didn't know what else to do !!"  


"Do you know now ?" He asks cautiously.  


"I am not sure. You know, I've thought about this the whole week end. And I think it was more a sudden reaction than a real decision to come back here. I felt like I needed to live again in Atlanta to definitely accept what happened to me those last seven years and move on." She pauses, searching her words. "Although I had a new life, quieter with Chloe, I could sense that it was odd, out of place. I was missing my friends, my work ... God, I was missing the safe house. Because *this* is my life. This is where I have memories, good and bad, where I belong" she finally confesses remembering her own words in the park.  


"After two years, you just decided it was time for you to go back to a place synonym of nightmare to move on. And here you are ?" The tone of his voice clearly indicates he does not buy it.  


She tilts her head and frowns. _´What does he want me to say ?´_   


"What do you mean ?"  


He leans forward. "I mean, there is something inside you, here, " he point out her heart with his cigar, "which told you you needed to come back, to find the peace and happiness that you deserve." He pauses voluntarily to give her time to process his words before the next sentence. "And that he deserves too."  


Her eyes grow wide for a second as a picture of John flashes before her eyes. Her heartbeat increases as she acknowledges what he is saying. She opens her mouth but no words come out.  


Bailey slowly stand up. She looks up when he speaks.  


"I believe you forgot that part in your session last week end. So what don't you shut the blinds and take some time to consider that aspect ?"  


Without waiting for her agreement, he shuts them then head out of her office toward his own.  


***  


She stares off in the distance for a while. She thought she had the answers to all her questions and doubts. Bailey has just shattered everything with a mere sentence, four words. Her heartbeat still is pretty high and it seems it is going to increase as she begins to think about John and her feelings towards him. It is clear that is what Bailey meant. She thought he was only a friend.  


The more she thinks about it, the more it becomes obvious to her there is something else. Something that would explain her behavior, so passionate and extreme, with him. John's has found its reason : he loves Sam. 'Does it mean I love him too ?' And here again the tears burn the back of her eyes. She angrily wipes them. Her breathing is a little heavier as acknowledgement slowly sinks in.  


"That would explain the tears when I think about him, the pain I feel when he rejects me" she pauses, struggling again another set of tears, "God, what have I done." In her ignorance, she rejected him.  


"I have to tell him." Drying the last tears, she stands up and hurries to see Bailey.  


John knocks once on Bailey's door then enters. Talking to someone on the phone, he gestures for him to wait. John comes further into the room. Hanging up, he looks up at him.  


"What is it ?"  


John turns around. "Someone would like to talk to you." He lays up his hands in defense. "Don't ask me more details, I'm just the messenger. Daphne couldn't get a hold of you."  


As he dials Daphne's extension, Sam suddenly bursts through the door.  


***  


She can not wait any longer. Flying through her office door, she goes straight to Bailey's office to tell him the decision she has just taken. Without any warning, she runs inside and addresses Bailey. She is so focused she does not even see John standing behind her in the back of the room.  


"You were right about John."  


Bailey's eyes grow wide and stare at something behind her. Or someone.  


"Right about what?"  


His voice echoes in a very silent room. Sam chills at his voice and turns around ever so slowly to face him. She would like a hole to swallow her. Sure she wants to tell him, but that is too sudden. Her will seems to vanish as fast as the smoke of Bailey's cigars.  


Bailey's voice talking to Daphne breaks the heavy silence. "Tell him I'm coming."  


He hangs up. "I need to go talk to a representative of a gay association relating to the Swifter case." He pauses, looking at his two best agents and best friends in front of him.   


"I think you need some calm to straight things up between you. You should do it here. Now."   


The second after, the door closes, leaving Sam and John alone. The situation is awkward, they are well aware of that. Sam goes to the couch and sits down. John stay stood, turned half-way toward her and the wall. He does not dare to look at her.  


"What was that about ?"  


"I told him about Friday night." She replies hesitantly.  


John's jaw clenches and fear builds inside of him. She looks up to him.  


"I think we really need to talk about what happened that night, John."  


He relaxes a bit, enough to enable his mouth to push out his words. "I want to apologize, Sam."  


Surprise creeps in her eyes. "For what ?"  


"For being that hard on you. I told you you were egoistic, only concentrating in easing your discomfort. And by saying that, I have been egoistic myself, never thinking about your feelings at coming back here, how you were handling it. You're the most caring person I know Sam. I had no right to do it."   


"You don't need to apologize. I think I indeed was egoistic that night. Because I was lost and angry."  


John nods his head in agreement. "We both overreacted and said things we didn't intend to." He throws a glance at her in nervousness before carrying on. "But ... you know, some things I said were true somehow ..."   


He marks a slight pause. "Listen, Sam, I'm not a hoping person, life has taught me how much it hurts. My mother died when I was still pretty young, because of me. As I told you, I've been in love with you since day one, and you never saw me the way I was hoping you to. I met Kate and for a while, I hoped I might finally get a normal life. But she died." He swallows the lump in his throat. "When you left ..."  


"But I came back." She interrupts him and stands up to join him, only stopping a few feet away. Her eyes now dare to look straight into his. They are full of fear and hope, his heart is ready to explode.  


"I can now tell you why. I came back to Atlanta for various reasons. To move on definitely, to accept and leave behind me Jack and his sick games. To accept and cherish the good memories I have here, with Tom, with Chloe, with the VCTF, with my friends. Last, but not least, I came back to where I belong, where my life is and has always been." She pauses, swallowing against her tears.  


"I came back to the place where *you* are." She whispers, her hand resting on his shoulder.  


The feeling of her touch burns his skin through his shirt. He can not believe what she is saying. He wants to, God he wants to. He has hoped for so long it seems surreal now that it happens.  


He can hardly breathe. "What do you mean ?" His voice is so hoarse, it is hard to hear it.  


"Your telling me your love opened my eyes. It took me some time, and some help, to acknowledge my own real feelings, not the friends feelings I used as an excuse even though they were true. I needed to accept something I've felt long ago but never dealt with." She looks straight into his waiting and intense glaze.  
"I love you John."  


He closes his eyes a brief moment and let out a shaking breath. "You don't know how long I've hoped to here you saying that."  


Opening his eyes, he rests his hand on her cheek, his thumb caressing lightly her soft skin, wiping away an errant tear.   


"I love you Sam. I belong to you. I always did. And I will forever."   


Lowering his head, his lips come to rest upon hers lovingly. Breaking the kiss, she corrects him breathlessly.  


"No ... we belong together."   


***  


_And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.  
I won't fear love  
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.  
I won't fear love.  
_

Peace in the struggle to find peace.  
Comfort on the way to comfort  


_**Sarah McLachlan, **"Fumbling towards ecstasy", Fumbling towards ecstasy_  


***  


**The End**

  



End file.
